Dear Reader,
Have you ever been through an extremely difficult time in your life? A time when your life appeared to be falling apart? When nothing seemed to make sense anymore and you started to question everything you thought you knew about life, yourself, and your identity? Life seemed meaningless, purposeless, and unfair. In a way, it felt like a death — the death of yourself and the conceptual framework you had given your life.
This is called the Dark Night of the Soul, and it is considered by yoga to be an opportunity for a spiritual awakening. In fact, it is considered so significant that it is given a name: the yoga of despair. While we would never wish a dark night of the soul on ourselves, it has the power to transform our lives and teach us to live with greater depth, meaning, and purpose. In this week’s minisode, I share my own dark night of the soul and how it led me to my dharma.
Common Triggers for a Dark Night of the Soul
Common experiences that can trigger a dark night of the soul include going through a serious medical crisis, the death of a loved one, a career transition, or betrayal by a partner or close friend. These experiences can send you into a tailspin because life as you knew it is over. If you placed significant meaning on things that are no longer available to you, where can you find meaning now?
For example, during a medical crisis, you may be thrust into an ever-changing world where you feel completely out of control. Your life may change in an instant, and you never saw it coming. There is physical and emotional pain, fear, worry, resistance, uncertainty, and exhaustion. A diagnosis can alter your experience of life by changing what you are able to do, who you identify as, what you thought was important, and what you believed your future would look like.
When experiencing a dark night of the soul, it is common to feel lost, alone, confused, and abandoned by God, while questioning your beliefs, life choices, and sense of self.
My Dark Night of the Soul Experience
I experienced a dark night of the soul in my mid-30s after the birth of my second child. While I had experienced migraine disorder for five years prior, the attacks were infrequent and easily treated. They did not force me to question anything about my life or who I was. I could continue living in the illusion I had built for myself since childhood.
To be clear, this life wasn’t bad. It was just lacking depth and built on an unstable framework that could shatter at any moment, leaving me vulnerable to pain, suffering, and disillusionment.
When the migraine attacks began to come back-to-back, leaving me debilitated, unable to work or care for my children, and in constant pain, the conceptual framework I had built started to collapse. Doctor after doctor and treatment after treatment without improvement left me feeling broken, like a shell of myself. I didn’t know who I was anymore or what the meaning of life was. I was in the middle of a raging storm with no anchor and nothing to hold onto. I felt lost, alone, and abandoned by God.
Lessons from the Buddha
I remember hearing the quote attributed to the Buddha, “Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.” This means that while there is no way to avoid pain — both physical and emotional — it is how we relate to that pain that determines if we suffer or grow. When we attach meaning to pain or resist it, we create suffering. When we allow it to exist and look for the lessons it offers, we dispel suffering and make room for growth. The pain may remain, but our perception of it diminishes because we are not hyper-focused on the experience or creating stories about what it means for us or our life.
I would love to say I was enlightened in that moment. But the truth is, I was angry (to put it politely)! How could suffering be optional when facing something so painful? Clearly, the Buddha hadn’t experienced anything like this. 😜
It took many years and a lot of healing to reach a place where this statement rang true for me. I used somatic practices like yoga, meditation, breathwork, and cathartic dance to prepare my body, mind, and soul to receive the wisdom that yoga teachings offer.
I then immersed myself in yoga philosophy through books, podcasts, training, mentors, and gurus. I continue to experience chronic migraine pain to this day, but I no longer suffer. While I still seek an answer and cure, I also see the lessons this journey offers.
The Dark Night of the Soul & Dharma
While we cannot control what happens in our lives, we do have control over how we respond to it. Yoga teaches us to make each moment of life a sacred offering and live skillfully on life’s battlefield.
It’s easy to do this when life is going as planned. The true gift of the dark night of the soul is practicing this approach when life presents tremendous challenges.
During a dark night of the soul, we cannot help but release attachment to our identity and constructed story. We are compelled to go deep inside ourselves and question the true meaning of life and our role here. The disintegration of our personal story allows us to rewrite it. We can choose to move the ego out of the driver’s seat and let the wisdom of our soul guide us. We can choose to make love and connection to our inner guide the shepherd of our life.
Dharma is your soul’s purpose, but it often gets lost in the conceptual framework of life we construct. We become so focused on external things that we lose touch with the voice of our highest self. The dark night of the soul breaks us open. We no longer have the energy or desire to pretend to be something we’re not. All that is false falls away, leaving only what is true and permanent. We are given the chance to connect with our essence and share our unique gifts with the world. It is an opportunity to heal and transform ourselves and the world.
We were each sent here to fulfill a particular purpose — an extraordinary, natural gift that can be developed over time and offered to the world. Whether that purpose is big or small, it doesn’t matter. Whatever it is, it’s marvelous, perfect, deeply fulfilling, beautiful, and needed.
If you have experienced a dark night of the soul, can you now see the gifts that lay within the journey? If so, what did you find? I would love to know. Write me back and tell me. I promise to personally respond!
Sending You Love, Blessings & So Much Gratitude, Katie
P.S. Also, check out last week’s interview with author Lynette Reiling on how to approach the second half of life with purpose.
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